The Why of Things

Departure Countdown: T-5 Days

It was just over two months ago that I announced to friends and family that I would be attempting a southbound "thru" hike of the Appalachian Trail. This is a journey that only about two hundred people attempt a year. Of those two hundred, only about forty reach Springer Mountain. (Note: If you have no idea what I'm talking about right now, check out the FAQ tab at the top of this page)

In those two months, I started to see a pattern develop. See, there are a few basic questions that pop into the head of your average person when I tell them I am planning on a long distance hike. They range from issues of hygiene and resupply to safety and protection. Bears, food, firearms, logistics, and loneliness are all topics that I have discussed, at great length, with just about everybody I know. (Again, see FAQ page)

But far and away the question I have heard the most, and had the most difficulty in answering, is this: Why?

Why would you WANT to walk 2,200 miles?

Why do you want to be out of touch with your friends, your family, your fiance, for four to six months?

Why are you willing to spend a couple thousand dollars of your carefully hoarded money, essentially all the life savings you have been able to scrape together after six years of the lowest paying jobs available? (public television and church work: call me Doctor Moneybags!)

Why suffer through black flies, ticks, mosquitoes, enraged moose, blisters, frayed tendons, bruised feet, waterborne pathogens, monotonous diet, the unsubtle disapproving glances and tones of people who think you are behaving irresponsibly, the high probability of Sasquatch encounters, and the countless never ending ups and downs of the oldest mountain range in North America?

Why gain and loose the elevation of roughly sixteen Mt. Everest's if all you have to show for it when you get done is a long beard, long hair, fierce body odor and a depleted bank account?

It's a good question. And maybe I don't quite know the answer yet.

A lot of people hike the trail right out of college. Some of them are seeking understanding of self. They want one last chance to find out who they are. They want to figure out what to do with the rest of their life. Maybe they want to consider their extremely expensive early childhood education degrees and ponder over the fact that they actually don't have a passion for teaching, kids, or even the idea of early childhood.

An equal number of people are retirees, seeking adventure before they can't hack the physical demands of a thru hike any longer. Some of these people are chasing after absolution, peace, or forgiveness from past mistakes. Maybe they are considering a second career, something they have always wanted to do and never got the chance to, and the trail seems like a good place to ponder over boat building for a while.

Then you have the increasingly common unwashed masses of America: the jobless. They are hiking the trail because one job vanished and another has yet to appear, and the job of walking is better than not having a job at all. They seek self esteem, the feelings of worth that vanished the moment somebody walked into their office with a pink slip.

Some people just want adventure. They feel that the daily grind is boring, they loath being trapped indoors, and the modern pace of life disturbs and unnerves them.

To a certain extent, ALL of these things are true for me (especially that last point) . Jobless, broke, emotionally and spiritually exhausted  from ten years of wondering what it is, exactly, that I want out of life, I stand on the edge of the path. Behind me stretches out my life to date. Before me, on the other side of the path, is a new life, a marriage, a new job, a new state, a new country perhaps? And the path itself...that is the A.T. So it looks like I'm going to move horizontally for a little while before stepping forward.

Am I seeking answers? Yes. Am I looking for something to do when I get home, some kind of career that I can be happy at for more than a year or so? Absolutely.  Do I seek greater spiritual understanding and healing? The capacity to forgive myself for past mistakes and the wisdom not to make them in the future? Of course. Do I want adventure in my life? More than anything.

But the thought that the Appalachian Trail, in and of itself, magically facilitates these things is false.A long distance hike can no more give me the answers that I seek than can a self help seminar, a motivational book, or the collected sayings of Yoda. So while I hope that I will have some time to think about these things over the next few months, they are not the whole of the thing. They are not the true reason WHY.

I guess I want to hike the A.T. because I've ALWAYS wanted to hike the A.T. I have no recollection of a time when this desire was not present in me. At some point in my childhood the idea must have wormed it's way in and it quite simply hasn't ever left.  When people say "So, what's your bucket list?" I say "a thru hike of the A.T." and then stop and look at them. They always expect more. I don't really have anything else.

Don't get me wrong, I have things that I want to do. I want to live oversees, I want to see wildlife on continents I've only dreamed about seeing. I want to have a solo photography show in New York. I want to be a writer, a painter, a filmmaker, a journalist, a scientist, an uncle, a better son, a better brother, and an all around better human being. Some of these things I will accomplish and some of them I wont, and I am basically okay with that. That's the way of things. We don't always do the things we set out to. Plans go awry. Life gets in the way. Detours happen.

But I have always known that the one thing I ABSOLUTELY would do was hike the Appalachian Trail.

So there it is. The most cliched answer in the world, the standard "mountain climber" response. I almost hate to even type it. But there is no avoiding it.

Why do I want to hike the Appalachian Trail?

Because it's there. 


What can I say? When it comes to adventures, I'm a traditionalist at heart.

More coming soon, and I promise not every post will be this long or this serious. I just felt like I needed to get that one out of the way first.

--Pawn